Monday, 14 December 2009

The Shock

Everything was ok, I was tired after four months of hard working, but it was all right.
Yes, I failed my exam twice but, still had the chance to sit it again.
It was otherwise ok, I had missed them a lot, was keen to see them, I thought it would be a great fun.
And the more fascinating; I was going to celebrate Eid with them for the first time in six years.
Not had the chance………
As soon as I arrived, not a day after, not had the chance to see my dad yet, not had the chance to change my heavy clothes despite the very warm weather.
She told me that she had an appointment with her gynecologist; I thought it would be better if I go with her and see what was going on.
Just to be aware of what was happening and see what to advise her, we were pretty sure there was nothing wrong, as she was reassured before.
They were either wrong or liars.
I sat down in the waiting room of the (no men her please) clinic, I was tired and she found me a sleep :(oh, my poor son, you shouldn’t have come with me, I begged you not to do); that what she said while I was opening my eyes (well; doctor is happy for you to join us ).

I went in; sat down quiet; waiting to see what the doctor would say.
-(All right; we’ve admitted you before and did few tests, seems there are few abnormal cells and we probably need to admit you again for further tests and possibly surgery).
-I stopped her at this stage asking what she meant by (abnormal cells)!!
-(Are you a doctor)? She replied
-Yes, I am and I’m her son.
-Well; have you not read the report? She was handing it to me.
- No one has shown us anything…I replied while looking at the small piece of paper with couple of lines printed on.
I still wish that I didn’t look; I’m still hoping that it’s a bad dream and I’m going to wake up.
I know it’s not, it’s a fact….my mother has got cancer
Like a little flame inside my chest
As it’s inside my body nit hers
I get short of breath every time I remember
The word is following me wherever I go; whenever I open my eyes and stopps me every time I try to smile.
It’s a horrible feeling I never had before; like a constant pain.
It’s my mum.
I keep looking at her when she is a sleep, when she is busy.
All the nights she spent not sleeping, just to wake everyone of us on certain time to study.
All these years, she spent doing her best to let us pass out exams and get our qualifications.
Every single attempt she made to let us cheer up
That wonderful smile, which never leaves her face.
Am I going to miss all that; am I going to lose her??????
Don’t tell that I need to calm down or to be less worried
I’m dying 100s of times everyday
I don’t know why I get short of breath everytime I think about it.
It's the first time I see my father unable to control his tears.

Now; she is with me, will I be able to take her back as she was.

I don’t know what to do

Allah kereem

Friday, 7 August 2009


They've always claimed it was a liberation.
Here it tells how free and dignified Iraqis have been!!!

Friday, 24 July 2009

I miss Iraq

It's been a long time; life is much different now; for better of course, but still missing you all guys, and also miss sitting in front of my computer and writing down my random thoughts, yet, I've had great time in the last 4 months.

Here we go, can't stay away for long.

I'm now on holiday meeting up with my family, everything seems different including my holiday!
I'm as lazy as never been like this, I spent the last two weeks sleeping and eating, didn't bother going out or doing anything interesting apart from chatting with them and of course with my lovely S, who is far away.

The last couple of weeks before the holiday were hard, S was doing her exams and I couldn't see her, I was desperate to head off.
As soon as I finished work on the last day, I headed to London, I met her there, as beautiful as always, as nice as ever, yet, exhausted of studying hard, we celebrated our 100 days of being religiously married (aqid).

We had a great fun the day after, we went to Thorpe park, was a great fun for her, but not for me, I don't think that being upside down in the air, or being taken to the highest level and thrown down very quickly is fun by any means (haven't I said before that I've got phobia of height!! It's much worse when you take a flight shortly after!! What a fun!!!

However, seeing her smiling and enjoying the trip worth all the horror.

And I'm here now; with them again, A is here with her husband F, her tummy looks bigger and I'm expected to be an uncle in few months!

My father is the same strong man full of principles, and mom is as kind as ever, as wonderful as ever and of course still the only one makes my tears flow when I think about her.
I've got to admit that I miss S so much and don't feel good as she is away from me now, I can't have fun without her being next to me.

In a moment I sat down and started thinking; I'm with my family but not at home, yet, what have I got left at home? How does it look like now? Is there any chance that it will be better? Isn't it a bit better now? How better is it?

While thinking; I was watching Pearl Harbor

despite the harsh attack, they didn't give up, seems they didn't even think about giving up.

It's been over 6 years now, we're still unable to think about the country as much as we think about subgroups and how we can prove that we're right and everyone else is wrong.
I've been away for 3 years now; never praised U.K and never thought of being anything but a pure Iraqi.
Yet, what are the chances of having a better Iraq? How can I participate in making life better there? What is wrong? And how can we correct it?
Will I see Iraq again?
The only things that I would praise about Brits that they listen, they don't try to complicate things to you when you try to stop you when you have an idea in your mind, in a simple word; they give you a hope.
I feel like being lost in the middle of a chaos, more lost than ever been, and more confused than ever thought would be.
I'm flying back to U.K; another year to be spent there, another challenges to be faced, not sure how the year will pass but sure that I've got to work so hard
I've got to admit that I want to go back this time, I miss her so much and I need to see her.

No matter how far I am or how long it's going to be.
No matter how much confused and lost I am.
Iraq is the light at the end of this dark tunnel, and probably S's face is the reflection of this light

I miss Iraq

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

في ذكرى استشهاده

كنتُ صبياً حين صليت خلفه للمرة الأولى.
كانت كلماته تخطف القلوب و تبعث الطمأنينة
شكل هو و أخويه إبراهيم و تعمة أهم ثرثة خطباء في البصرة حينها)
رحلت عن ثغر العراق الباسم و بقي في بالي كرمز من رموز المدينة , يزيد من حنيني لها
رحمك الله ياشيخ يوسف الحسان و اسكنك فسيح جناته و لعن الله يد السوء التي امتدت لتحرم اهل البصرة منك

Monday, 4 May 2009

ما إحساسك؟

هنالك فرق كبير بين ان تتحدث عن معاناة الآخرين و بين أن تعاني


Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Life is Different

Know been away from you for a while, but, I've been pretty busy changing my life.
Been busy getting my life sorted and arranging for my future.
I didn't have the chance to write anything for the last few months, I wounder whether I became out of thoughts or just didn't have the chance to sit down and think prperly.
Anyway, all in all; I'm much happier and life is brighter since I met the lovely S.

Our story went like a challenge, or propably a mission I decided to hold, I always belived that we would make it, don't know why! But, since I met her, I thought we belong to each other.
Everyone thought that we're so different, but I never thought so.
Doesn't matter, we proved that nothing could stop our love, we've proved that there is always a hope(Never Ever Give Up).

By the end of March, everything was sorted and the last weekend was our engagement one.
Our families were gathered in a little lovely meeting ended with celebrating our engagement.
Couldn't wait long, the weekend after, we arranged for the religious marriage.
I went to the room to see her, it was the first time I saw her without herself wearing the headscarf, Oh my God, she looked like an angel, couldn't belive my eyes, couldn't belive that she is my wife now.
I always thought that money would help in life, it's strange that I'm thinking in a different way now, spending any second with her is more importent than having a big fortune, she is my fortune.
I love S to the extent that I worry about her in case I'm not the best for her, I love her like never knew what love is ever before.
I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.
With S everything is beatiful, life is much different now, it's more beutiful.
Here few photos from our engagement and our new life.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

The Date

Boring is the usual word I used to use to describe my weekends, I always wanted it not to come, I always had a problem with how to spend the time; in fact, it's the time when I feel very lonely.

Coming back from Haj, life became much different, since met S, life looks much brighter, full of hope and pleasure.
We've been seeing each others nearly every other weekend, we spend time chatting, discussing different matters, laughing and even playing video games.
Different feelings, which I never felt since being to U.K, love, missing and being missed, looking forward to meet and being surrounded by a family.

The last weekend was exceptional, it was the Valentine day, a day never represented anything to me before, yet, it was much different this year.
Taking the train after a long night shift, being to the hair dresser, changing my clothes with a new set and of course wearing a tie, all was done in rush.
I was waiting there, near the riverside, the same river, which I used to walk along feeling lonely and depressed, the same river I used to tell how sad I was.
I sat on the couch with a bouquet of red roses and a little bear, waiting for an hour, until she arrived.
My unusual lovely S, the beautiful shiny face and the innocent smile, we walked and talked, we laughed a lot, it was quite obvious that we were a new couple, I was really happy, happiness that can't be described by few words.
One song couldn't leave my tongue

The day after we met again, she noticed that I wasn't pleased; it was the time to leave.
The time to wait for another fortnight, as soon as I left, I found myself walking back to her, in a very childish way I looked at her and said:
"Look, I really don't want to go"

Looking forward for the next weekend